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What Is Gaslighting?
- Stella Dove
- Sep 20
- 15 min read
Updated: 7 days ago
Why understanding its psychological impact will guide you from confusion to clarity
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a word that has entered everyday conversations, but for those who have lived it, it’s not a buzzword. It’s an experience that unravels your sense of reality, makes you doubt your memory, and chips away at your trust in your own mind.
At its heart, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes you to question what you know, feel, or remember. Over time, this erodes self-confidence and leaves you disoriented, anxious, and emotionally exhausted.
Gaslighting is not just “lying.” It’s a systematic distortion of your truth — a slow dismantling of your inner compass until you no longer know which way is north.
🔎 A Simple Definition of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where one person makes another doubt their own perceptions, feelings, or memory. It often involves denial, contradiction, minimisation, or blame-shifting.
Examples might include:
“That never happened — you’re imagining it.”
“You’re overreacting — it wasn’t that bad.”
“Everyone agrees you’re the problem here.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
What makes gaslighting so insidious is not just the words, but the repetition. A single denial may sting, but months or years of hearing your reality denied will make you distrust your very self.
🌑 The Origins of the Term
The word “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Gas Light (and later the 1944 film), where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane. He dims the gas lamps in their home, then denies the change when she notices. The audience sees the lights flicker — she sees the truth — but he insists it’s all in her head.
The story has become a cultural metaphor for what so many endure in silence: being made to believe that what you clearly see and feel cannot be trusted.
🔦 Common Signs You’re Being Gaslit
Gaslighting can be overt or subtle, deliberate or unconscious. It can happen in intimate partnerships, families, workplaces, or even in wider social, political and cultural systems. What unites these experiences is the impact: you doubt yourself, mistrust your instincts, and grow dependent on the gaslighter’s version of events.
While it takes many forms, there are common threads.
1. Constant denial of your experience
Your feelings or memories are dismissed outright: “That never happened.”
2. Minimisation
Your emotions are framed as dramatic, exaggerated, or childish: “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
3. Shifting blame
When you try to express hurt, the responsibility is flipped back onto you: “You’re the one causing problems.”
4. Isolation
You’re told others see you the same way: “Everyone thinks you’re crazy.” This drives wedges between you and your support system.
5. Reality confusion
Over time, you second-guess your own memory, judgment, and even sanity. You may start to apologise constantly, feeling you can’t trust yourself.
Over time, these tactics create confusion, shame, and self-doubt.
🧠 The Emotional and Nervous System Impact
Gaslighting is not just “in your head.” It has a profound effect on your nervous system and sense of safety. It imprints on the body. When someone repeatedly denies your lived reality, your nervous system reacts as if you are under threat — because in many ways, you are.
Hypervigilance: Your body stays on alert, scanning for the next dismissal or attack.
Self-doubt and shame: You begin to internalise the narrative that you are too much, too sensitive, or unreliable.
Disconnection from joy: When reality feels uncertain, even simple pleasures can feel fleeting or undeserved.
Your fight response wants to argue, to prove the truth.
Your flight response wants to run, but often you can’t — the relationship feels too important to lose.
Your freeze response takes over: you go blank, you second-guess, you stay quiet to avoid making things worse. In the face of constant contradiction, your system may shut down, leaving you numb or voiceless.
Or your fawn response kicks in: you appease, you agree, you contort yourself to keep the peace.
Gaslighting often leaves survivors with trauma symptoms: anxiety, intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and difficulty trusting themselves or others.
This survival pattern becomes exhausting. And still, you may hear the voice of the gaslighter in your mind long after they’ve left the room.
⚖️Gaslighting vs. Healthy Disagreement
Not every difference of opinion is gaslighting. Two people can remember an event differently without manipulation.
The difference lies in intent and impact.
Healthy disagreement acknowledges multiple perspectives.
Gaslighting denies, distorts, and dismisses your reality to maintain control or power.
A friend might say, “I don’t remember it that way, but I hear how it felt for you.” That’s not gaslighting — that’s difference with respect.
Gaslighting sounds more like: “That didn’t happen. You’re imagining things. You always twist the truth.”
👀 Why People Gaslight
People gaslight for many reasons, none of which excuse the harm.
Power and control: In abusive dynamics, gaslighting is a tool to keep someone off-balance and dependent.
Shame avoidance: Some use gaslighting to avoid accountability, shifting the spotlight away from their own behaviour.
Intergenerational patterns: A parent who was dismissed as a child may unconsciously repeat the same minimisation with their own children.
Regardless of motive, the impact on the receiver is the same: confusion, self-doubt, and erosion of safety.
🌪️ Why Gaslighting Hurts So Deeply
Gaslighting is not “just lying.” It is lying with the intention of making you question your very sense of self.
We are born wired for attunement — to trust our caregivers’ voices, to believe what we are told about the world. When those we love and depend on distort reality, the betrayal cuts to the root of safety.
Gaslighting is also often paired with other behaviours — love-bombing, withdrawal, criticism, control — which creates a cycle of destabilisation and reward. One moment you’re doubting yourself, the next you’re reassured, and the whiplash keeps you hooked.
The wound gaslighting leaves behind is not only what happened. It is the battle it takes to trust yourself again.
🚩 Signs You Might Be Experiencing Gaslighting
You often second-guess your memory or decisions.
You feel confused or “foggy” after conversations.
You apologise constantly, even when you’re not sure why.
You avoid raising issues because you anticipate being told you’re overreacting.
You feel like you’re “walking on eggshells.”
You rely on the other person to define what’s real or acceptable.
You feel diminished, small, or erased in the relationship.
Many adults who struggle with boundaries or self-doubt trace the roots back to childhood. Perhaps you were told:
“That didn’t hurt, stop crying.”
“Don’t be silly, you’re fine.”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
“That never happened, you’re imagining things.”
Gaslighting wounds the inner child most deeply. If your earliest experiences taught you that your feelings didn't matter, you may be more vulnerable to gaslighting later in life.
A child’s body knew the truth — the pain, the fear, the confusion. But the adult voice denied it. So the child learned: my feelings aren’t trustworthy; my perception isn’t safe.
Gaslighting in childhood conditions us to override our own signals, leaving us vulnerable to repeating the pattern in adult relationships.Healing means speaking to your inner child differently:
“I believe you.”
“Your feelings make sense.”
“You are safe with me.”This re-parenting creates new neural pathways. The nervous system slowly learns that reality can be trusted, and that your truth matters.
🌿 Healing After Gaslighting
The antidote to gaslighting is not arguing louder. It is rebuilding trust with yourself.
Healing is possible. It begins with reclaiming your right to trust your perceptions again.
Here are some trauma-informed starting points:
1. Name it for what it is
Simply recognising “This was gaslighting” can be empowering and is powerful. Naming the pattern breaks its power and separates you from the shame.
2.Keep records. Journaling or writing things down helps anchor your memory when words are denied.
3. Rebuild inner safety
Grounding practices help reconnect body and mind. Breathwork, movement, and somatic tools restore presence and self-trust.
3. Seek supportive mirrors
Safe relationships are vital. A therapist, friend, or group that validates your reality can undo years of denial. Surround yourself with people who validate your reality. Safe friendships can act as counterweights to distortion.
4. Re-anchor your voice
Journaling, affirmations, and gentle vocal exercises (like humming or speaking aloud) remind your body that expression is safe. Practice self-validation. Phrases like: "I know what I felt. I trust my memory. I trust myself."
5. Release internalised blame
Gaslighting often leaves survivors believing they are the problem. Healing means returning that burden: “It was not my fault. My feelings were real. My reality is valid.”
6.Seek professional support. Therapy, especially trauma-informed modalities like Emotional Recalibration, can help unravel internalised gaslighting.
🔥 Reclaiming Your Voice
Gaslighting teaches you to shrink, to silence, to defer.
Healing teaches you to speak, to stand, to belong to yourself again.
When you begin to trust your body’s signals, your “no” gains power. When you begin to honour your memories, your story reclaims dignity. When you begin to validate your own feelings, your inner child is no longer abandoned — she is heard.
Gaslighting may have stolen years, but it cannot steal your essence. That remains, waiting to be witnessed.
✨ Final Thoughts: From Silence to Sovereignty
If you are reading this and realising — this is my life, this is my relationship — please pause and place your hand over your heart. Breathe. Remind yourself: I am not crazy. My feelings are real. My truth is valid.
Gaslighting is insidious because it makes you believe you are broken. You are not broken. You are surviving something profoundly destabilising. And survival is not weakness — it is proof of your strength.
Healing will mean learning to stand on the solid ground of your own perception again. It may feel shaky at first. But step by step, breath by breath, the fog clears.
Your story is yours. Your voice is yours. And no one — not even the most convincing gaslighter — has the right to take that from you.
Gaslighting strips you of sovereignty by making you question yourself. Healing restores it by teaching you to stand in your truth again.
You are not too sensitive. You are not broken. You are becoming. You are waking up to the truth of your own experience. And truth is the foundation of freedom
Frequently Asked Questions
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which someone causes you to doubt your perceptions, feelings, or memory. Through denial, minimisation, contradiction, or blame-shifting, your sense of reality is eroded over time, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion.
What are common signs that I might be experiencing gaslighting?
Frequent denial of your experience (“That never happened”), minimising your feelings (“You’re overreacting”), shifting blame back onto you, claiming others agree you are the problem, and leaving you second-guessing your memory or apologising constantly. You may feel foggy, on edge, or like you are walking on eggshells.
Is gaslighting the same as a healthy disagreement?
No. Healthy disagreement allows for multiple perspectives and validates feelings (“I remember it differently, but I hear you”). Gaslighting denies or distorts your reality to maintain control (“That didn’t happen. You’re imagining things”). The difference is intent and impact.
How does gaslighting affect the nervous system and mental health?
Repeated reality-denial can keep the nervous system in threat mode, contributing to hypervigilance, anxiety, shame, emotional numbing, and difficulty trusting yourself or others. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses may become habitual, leaving you exhausted and disconnected from joy.
Why do people gaslight?
Motives vary and do not excuse harm. Common drivers include seeking power and control, avoiding shame or accountability, and repeating learned family patterns of minimising feelings. Regardless of motive, the impact is confusion, self-doubt, and erosion of safety for the recipient.
How can I begin healing after gaslighting?
Start by naming the pattern, keeping records to anchor your memory, and rebuilding inner safety with grounding and somatic practices. Seek supportive mirrors—trusted friends, groups, or trauma-informed therapy such as Emotional Recalibration—to re-establish self-trust, restore boundaries, and release internalised blame.
🦶Gentle Next Steps
🌿 If this piece resonates, you may be carrying echoes of gaslighting in your own life. You don’t have to untangle it alone.
🕊 I work with clients through Emotional Recalibration Therapy, a six-week journey designed to restore nervous system safety, reconnect you with your inner child, and rebuild trust in your own truth.
📩 Receive my weekly newsletter, Stories with Stella, for trauma-informed reflections and practices: Join here.
Open for Video Transcript
Gaslighting is a word that has entered everyday conversations, but for those who have lived it, it's not a buzzword. It's an experience that unravels your sense of reality, makes you doubt your memory, and chips away at your trust in your own mind. At its heart, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes you to question what you know, feel, or remember. Over time, this erodes self-confidence and leaves you disorientated, anxious, and emotionally exhausted. Gaslighting is not just lying. It's a systematic distortion of your truth. a slow dismantling of your inner compass until you no longer know which way is north. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where one person makes another doubt their own perceptions, feelings, or memory. It often involves denial, contradiction, minimisation, or blame shifting. Examples might include that never happened. You're imagining it. You're overreacting. It wasn't that bad. Everyone agrees you're the problem here. You're too sensitive. What makes gaslighting so insidious is it's not just the words, but the repetition. A single denial may sting, but months or years of hearing your reality denied will make you distrust your very self. The word gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gaslight and later the 1944 film where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she's going insane. He dims the gas lamps in their home, then denies the change when she notices. The audience sees the lights flicker. She sees the truth, but he insists it's all in her head. The story has become a cultural metaphor for what so many endure in silence being made to believe what you clearly see and feel cannot be trusted. Gaslighting can be overt or subtle, deliberate or unconscious. It can happen in intimate partnerships, families, workplaces, or even in wider social, political and cultural systems. What unites these experience is the impact. You doubt yourself, mistrust your instincts, and grow dependent on the gaslighter's version of events. While it takes many forms, there are common threads. Constant denial of your experience. Your feelings or memories are dismissed outright. That never happened. Minimization. Your emotions are framed as dramatic, exaggerated, or childish. You're making a big deal out of nothing. Shifting blame. When you try to express hurt, the responsibility is flipped back onto you. You're the one causing the problems. Isolation. You're told others see you the same way. Everyone thinks you're crazy. This drives wedges between you and your support system. Reality confusion. Over time, you secondguess your own memory, judgment, and even sanity. You may start to apologize constantly, feeling you can't trust yourself. Over time, these tactics create confusion, shame, and self-doubt. Gaslighting is not just in your head. It has a profound effect on your nervous system and sense of safety. It imprints on the body. When someone repeatedly denies your lived reality, your nervous system reacts as if you are under threat because in many ways you are. Hypervigilance. Your body stays on alert, scanning for the next dismissal or attack. self-doubt and shame. You begin to internalize that narrative that you are too much, too sensitive or unreliable. Disconnection from joy. When reality feels uncertain, even simple pleasures can feel fleeting or undeserved. Your fight response wants to argue to prove the truth. Your flight response wants to run, but often you can't. The relationship feels too important to lose. Your freeze response takes over. You go blank. You second guess. You stay quiet to avoid making things worse. In the face of constant contradiction, your system may shut down, leaving you numb or voiceless. Or your thorn response kicks in. You appease. You agree. You contort yourself to keep the peace. Gaslighting often leaves survivors with trauma symptoms, anxiety, intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and difficulty trusting themselves or others. This survival pattern becomes exhausting and still you may hear the voice of the gaslighter in your mind long after they've left the room. Not every difference of opinion is gaslighting. Two people can remember an event differently without manipulation. The difference lies in intent and impact. Healthy disagreement acknowledges multiple perspectives. Gaslighting denies, distorts, and dismisses your reality to maintain control or power. A friend might say, "I don't remember it that way, but I hear how it felt for you." That's not gaslighting. That's difference with respect. Gaslighting sounds more like that didn't happen. You're imagining things. You always twist the truth. So why do people gaslight? People gaslight for many reasons, none of which excuse the harm, power, and control. In abusive dynamics, gaslighting is a tool to keep someone off balance and dependent. Shame avoidance. Some use gaslighting to avoid accountability, shifting the spotlight away from their own behavior, integration, and patterns. A parent who is dismissed as a child may unconsciously repeat the same minimization with their own children. Regardless of the motive, the impact on the receiver is still the same. Confusion, self-doubt, and erosion of safety. So why does gaslighting hurt so deeply? Gaslighting is not just lying. It is lying with the intention of making you question your very sense of self. We are born wired for attunement to trust our caregivers voices to believe what we are told about the world. When those we love and depend on distort reality, the betrayal cuts to the root of safety. Gaslighting is also often paired with other behaviors, lovebombing, withdrawal, criticism, control, which creates a cycle of destabilization and reward. One moment you're doubting yourself, the next you're reassured, and the whiplash keeps you hooked. The wound gaslighting leaves behind is not only what happened. It is the battle it takes to trust yourself again. Signs you might be experiencing gaslighting. You often second guessess your memory or decisions. You feel confused or foggy after conversations. You apologize constantly even when you're not sure why. You avoid raising issues because you anticipate being told you're overreacting. You feel like you're walking on eggshells. You rely on the other person to define what's real or acceptable. You feel diminished, small, or erased in the relationship. Gaslighting and the inner child. Many adults who struggle with boundaries or self-doubt trace the roots back to childhood. Perhaps you were told that didn't hurt. Stop crying. Don't be silly. You're fine. You're making a big deal out of nothing. That never happened. Stop it. You're imagining things. Perhaps you were told to stop crying before someone else came in the room or told off just before you went to school. Gaslighting wounds the inner child most deeply. If your earliest experiences taught you that your feelings didn't matter, you may be more vulnerable to gaslighting later in life. A child's body knew the truth, the pain, the fear, the confusion. But the adult voice denied it. So the child learned, "My feelings aren't trustworthy. My perception isn't safe." Gaslighting in childhood conditions us to override our own signals, leaving us vulnerable to repeating the pattern in adult relationships. Healing means speaking to your inner child differently. I believe you. Your feelings make sense. You are safe with me. This reparing creates new neural pathways. The nervous system slowly learns that reality can be trusted and that your truth matters. Reclaiming your voice. Gaslighting teaches you to shrink, to silence, to defer. Healing teaches you to speak, to stand, to belong to yourself. Again, when you begin to trust your body signals, your no gains power. When you begin to honor your memories, your story reclaims dignity. When you begin to validate your own feelings, your inner child is no longer abandoned. She is heard. Gaslighting may have stolen years, but it cannot steal your essence. That remains waiting to be witnessed. Healing after gaslighting. The antidote to gaslighting is not arguing louder. It is rebuilding trust with yourself. Healing is possible. It begins with reclaiming your right to trust perceptions again. Here are some traumainformed starting points. Name it for what it is. Simply recognizing this was gaslighting can be empowering and is powerful. Naming the pattern breaks its power and separates you from the shame. Keep records. Journaling or writing things down helps anchor your memory when words are denied. Rebuild inner safety. Grounding practices help reconnect body and mind. Breath work, movement, and sematic tools help restore presence and self-rust. Seek supportive mirrors. Safe relationships are vital. A therapist, a friend, or a group that validates your reality can undo years of denial. Surround yourself with people who validate your reality. Safe friendships can act as counterweight to distortion. Re-anchor your voice. Journaling, affirmations, and gentle vocal exercises like humming or speaking aloud remind your body that expression is safe. Practice self- validation. Phrases like, "I know what I felt. I trust my memory. I trust myself." Release internalized blame. Gaslighting often leaves survivors believing they are the problem. Healing means returning that burden. It was not my fault. My feelings were real. My reality is valid. Seek professional support. Therapy, especially traumainformed modalities like emotional recalibration, can help unravel internalized gaslighting. If you are watching this and realizing this is my life, this is my relationship, please pause and place your hand over your heart and breathe and say to yourself, I am not crazy. My feelings are true. Gaslighting is insidious because it makes you believe you are broken. You are not broken. You are surviving something profoundly destabilizing. And survival isn't weakness. It's proof of your strength. Healing will mean learning to stand on the solid ground of your own perception again. It may feel shaky at first, but step by step, breath by breath, the fog clears. Your story is yours. Your voice is yours. And no one, not even the most convincing gaslighter, has the right to take that from you. Gaslighting strips you of sovereignty by making you question yourself. Healing restores it by teaching you to stand in your truth again. You are not too sensitive. You are not broken. You are becoming. You are waking up to the truth of your own experience. And the truth is the foundation of freedom.
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