What Is Adult Selective Mutism?
- Stella
- Sep 3
- 9 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
What Is Adult Selective Mutism?
You just need patience. Eventually, you’ll find the words. And when you do - you’ll never shut them down for anyone, or anything, ever again.
Selective mutism is often described in children, but far less is said about what happens when it follows us into adulthood. Adults can and do live with selective mutism — sometimes for a season, sometimes across a lifetime.
It isn’t shyness, rudeness, or avoidance. It is an anxiety response: a nervous system strategy that locks the voice when safety feels threatened.
For some, the words are there - oceans of them - but the throat closes, the chest tightens, and silence takes over.
This silence is not chosen.
It is survival.
And behind it, a voice still waits, longing for the conditions where it can return.
📺 I recorded a short video on this - you can watch it here:
Adult Selective mutism is an anxiety response.
A nervous system strategy that locks the voice when safety feels threatened. For those who have been punished for speaking - dismissed, ignored, or even hurt - silence becomes the safest option.
This silence is not chosen.
It is survival. And behind it, a voice still waits - longing for the conditions where it can return.
📝 Reflection Prompt
When have you swallowed words you longed to speak — and what did silence protect you from in that moment?
Silence Misunderstood — More Than Shyness
What Adult Selective Mutism Looks Like in Daily Life
(Names and identifying details have been changed to protect confidentiality.)
What Adult Selective Mutism Looks Like in Daily Life
(Names and identifying details have been changed to protect confidentiality.)
It can feel like this:
You chatter away at home, full of stories and questions - but the moment a parent walks into the room, your throat closes and your voice disappears.
Brea remembers hiding away in her room, pressing her hands over her ears to block out the shouting and screaming between her parents. She still recalls the slam of the door - the day her father never came back.
You’re laughing with a trusted friend, feeling safe - but then in a work meeting, or with a group of friends, the spotlight turns to you, and suddenly nothing comes out.
Terry remembers a playground prank where his trousers were pulled down in front of the entire class. He laughed along at the time, but inside it left him feeling exposed and vulnerable.
You rehearse the words in your head, willing them forward - but when the moment arrives, your throat shuts tight, your stomach knots, and silence takes over.
John described how he could negotiate one-to-one brilliantly, but when asked to share in large meetings, his throat would close. He told me: “It’s like my words are trapped behind glass - I can see them, but I can’t reach them.”
Colleagues misread this as aloofness, when in reality it was his nervous system shutting down under pressure.
You clam up with your partner, saying nothing at all to express your point — only to think of everything you wanted to say long after the moment has passed.
Denise told me about going silent in arguments with her partner. Not because she didn’t care - but because her body froze. “I know exactly what I want to say,” she explained, “but when I try to speak, it feels like my throat shuts tight.”
Her partner misread the silence as stonewalling, when in reality it was her nervous system doing what it had learned long ago: stay quiet to stay safe.
You know exactly what it feels like to silently scream.
It’s not that you don’t have words. You have oceans of them. It’s that your nervous system has learned silence as protection.
Selective mutism isn’t the absence of thoughts or feelings. It’s the presence of fear — a nervous system stuck in survival mode.
📝 Reflection Prompt
Think of a moment when silence rose up in you, even though you had so much to say. What did that silence protect you from — and what did it cost you in the relationship?
📖 Further Reading
If this resonates, you may also find my blog on Inner Child Healing helpful - exploring how early wounds around safety and voice continue to shape us in adulthood.
Why It’s Often Mistaken for Rudeness or Awkwardness
From the outside, selective mutism can look confusing.
You speak in some places but not in others.
You laugh easily with one person but go quiet with another.
You write beautifully, but when it’s time to talk, you freeze.
People misread this silence all the time.
Teachers assume you’re being defiant.
Parents feel frustrated and take it as rebellion.
Colleagues think you’re aloof or uninterested.
Partners may quietly wonder if you’re shutting them out.
But what looks like rudeness is really self-protection.
What looks like indifference is actually overwhelm.
What looks like awkwardness is a nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to stay safe.
The truth is, selective mutism is not a refusal. It’s a response.
A body saying: “Speaking right now feels dangerous. Silence keeps me safe.”
And that distinction changes everything - because once you understand that silence is survival, compassion can replace judgment.
📝 Reflection Prompt
Has your silence ever been misunderstood — by a parent, a teacher, a partner, or even yourself? What was the truth behind that silence? 📖 Further Reading
✨ If this resonates, you may also find my blog on Avoiding Uncomfortable Confrontation helpful.
What Causes Adult Selective Mutism? Trauma and the Nervous System
Anxiety, Safety, and the Freeze Response
Selective mutism lives in the nervous system. It is not that the words aren’t there - they are. It is that the nervous system has learned to shut them down as a safety reflex. Just as some bodies run or fight, others freeze.
When silence becomes linked to survival, the body chooses it again and again. It is automatic, embodied, beyond willpower.
Early Punishment for Speaking the Truth
For many, silence took root in childhood. Perhaps every attempt at truth was met with ridicule, anger, or dismissal. Maybe the family culture demanded secrecy, compliance, or the silencing of certain feelings.
When words carried danger, the body learned: speaking is unsafe. Silence became the only option.
Silence as Survival
Adult Selective mutism is not cowardice. It is not weakness. It is a finely tuned survival mechanism. But survival strategies have a cost: they keep us alive, but they also keep us small.
My Own Story
Adult Selective Mutism isn’t just something I’ve studied or supported clients through. For a season of my life, I lived it.
In my early twenties, during and after enduring psychological, physical, and s*xual abuse, my voice shut down. Words would not come. I could sometimes manage “please” or “thank you” in a shop, but the effort was monumental. I remember meeting a friend for dinner - she wanted to cheer me up - and I couldn’t speak at all. I had to go home.
✨ I’ve lost count of the conversations where the words in my head absolutely would not emanate from my lips, no matter how hard I tried. I tortured myself with endless replays of what I wished I had said. I dare not calculate the number of disagreements unresolved through my inability to self-advocate under pressure. Most of all, I grieve the lost opportunities for connection and growth that were stunted by my silence.
Long silences had threaded through my childhood too, though I never thought of myself as “selectively mute.” I was never given that diagnosis. But I know what it is to have a throat that won’t open, to be full of words yet unable to push any of them out. Even now, under extreme pressure, I can feel that silence return.
The Cost of Silence
Carl Sutton, lives with Selective Mutism himself, captured this experience in a poem that speaks for so many:
*Some days my rusted tongue is freed, set free
upon a breath of light and chink of air –
in whispers first, as whispers are the key
to later, raging, roaring like a bear.
Some days the rusted door is left ajar,
and out the shadows of my whispers waft –
my face is near but voice is from afar
at first, but then I sing and hoot aloft.
Some days I hoot of silence to the sun,
I hoot uncaged, of freedom of the tongue,
but yet, by dusk, unfree, I am undone:
my mouth rusts shut each evening, and I’m wrong.
Some days my rusted tongue is freed, I rage
until the iron night-time of my cage.*
— Carl Sutton
Selective Mutism In Our Own Words: Experiences in Childhood and Adulthood. By Cheryl Forrester & Carl Sutton
His words embody the cycle: moments of freedom, followed by the clamp of silence. The voice flickers, then vanishes again behind the rusted door.
And the research echoes his truth:
“Adults with SM are significantly more likely than the general population to develop other mood- and anxiety-related conditions, most notably depression, generalised anxiety, panic disorder, social anxiety and PTSD. For some, chronic mental health conditions are a factor in their lives. Most indicated that they felt their long-term mental health conditions could have been avoided with appropriate support at the appropriate time in childhood.”— Carl Sutton, Tackling Selective Mutism: A Guide for Professionals and Parents
The cost of silence is not just missed words — it is the shame, the misunderstanding, and the long-term imprint on identity and mental health.
📝 Reflection Prompt
When have you tasted freedom in your voice, only to feel it rust shut again? What did that moment teach you about what safety means for you?
The Cost of Silence — Emotional and Physical Impact
How Suppressed Voice Shapes Identity and Self-Worth
Over time, silence reshapes identity. You may come to believe your thoughts are unworthy, your feelings irrelevant, your needs too much. You begin to see yourself as invisible, broken, or unlovable.
This is not truth - it is conditioning. And it can be undone.
Links to People-Pleasing and “Good Girl/Boy” Conditioning
Many who live with selective mutism become master people-pleasers. You smile when you want to scream. You agree when your whole body says no. You perform the role of the “good girl” (or boy) because silence has taught you that pleasing others keeps you safe.
But safety at the expense of your voice is not true safety. It is self-abandonment dressed as belonging.
When Silence Becomes the Only Safe Option
Left unchecked, silence narrows life. Relationships suffer. Opportunities are missed. Expression feels impossible. The world becomes smaller, until the silence feels like a prison.
But even in the deepest silence, the voice is still there. Waiting.
Healing Adult Selective Mutism: Finding the Voice Again
Creating Safe Spaces for Expression
Healing begins with safety. Not forced exposure, not shame, but environments where speaking feels possible, not demanded. Small steps, safe relationships, compassionate witnessing.
Somatic and Nervous System Approaches
Because selective mutism lives in the body, healing must include the body. Somatic practices, breathwork, grounding, and gentle nervous system recalibration help loosen the freeze response and bring voice back online.
Emotional Recalibration — Rewriting the Inner Narrative
Through trauma-informed work like Emotional Recalibration Therapy, survivors can learn to reframe silence, reclaim boundaries, and gradually trust their own voice again. It is not about forcing words out. It is about teaching the body that it is finally safe to speak. I had been on Cindy's radar for twelve years before she came to see me for Emotional Recalibration Therapy following yet another broken heart and a lifetime of shutting down rather than staying present for difficult conversations. "There are things that I would add such as how I used to sit uncomfortably with things and let them fester rather than address them.
Having an adult conversation and not withdrawing like I used to has made such a difference.
It all feels so easy and comfortable with no awkward moments. ( dare I be that bold to admit it?!)
You truly have transformed my life and my previous grief now sits as gratitude for such beautiful memories I was able to create with my beautiful Mum.💗
I will be eternally grateful that I had the privilege and opportunity to work with you 🙏🕊️🥰xxx"
(Name changed by request)
Your Voice Is Sacred — Never Be Silenced Again
You have windpipes for a reason. You were made to speak.
Your silence was survival — but it does not have to be your future.
✨ Reflection prompt:
What part of your voice still waits to be heard?
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🫀 Explore Emotional Recalibration Therapy
Did What is Adult Selective Mutism speak to you? If your nervous system is craving a reset and your heart is ready for change, I invite you to book a free Discovery Call. Together, we’ll explore what healing could look like for you.👉 Book your call here 🎧 Listen Here: A Moment of Calm for the Aching Heart – Free Guided Audio
Soothe your system and reconnect to your body and breath.
We’ll journey together through somatic practice, emotional release, and ritual reconnection.
You are not too much. You are not broken. You are becoming.
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