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The Five Phases You Experience After a Breakup
- Stella Dove PDCH MBSCH
- Mar 4, 2024
- 12 min read
Updated: Nov 6
Understand What You're Feeling and Why
The Five Phases You Experience After a Breakup
If you’re here because your heart is aching — know this: you are not alone, and you are not broken. You’re becoming. And right now, your body, mind, and nervous system are in full alert, trying to make sense of the rupture.
Breakups don’t just break hearts — they unravel entire worlds. Especially if you’ve been in a long-term or trauma-bonded relationship, the fallout can feel disorienting, exhausting, even unbearable.
Your mind may be cycling through questions on repeat:
Why now?
What did I miss?
Why can’t I let go?
But those aren’t flaws in you — they’re part of the shock response.
In this honest, soul-rooted blog, I walk you through the five core emotions that often arise after a breakup:
Shock.
Disbelief.
Anger.
Exhaustion.
Acceptance.
Not as clinical stages, but as living, breathing tides of emotion that rise and fall in their own time.
Each of these phases affects the nervous system in profound ways. You might notice nausea, light sensitivity, scattered thoughts, or insomnia. You might feel shame, rage, regret, or numbness. And you might swing wildly between “I can’t live without them” and “How did I tolerate that for so long?”
This blog doesn’t offer quick fixes. It offers something deeper: the permission to feel. To name what’s happening. To reclaim your truth, not bypass it.
Look for trauma-informed support strategies, like:
🌬 Somatic grounding for heartbreak
🧠 How to support your nervous system after a breakup
💧 A Self-Intervention Plan for Triggers
🪞 Inner child healing techniques for emotional resilience
🫀 What Emotional Recalibration Therapy can offer those recovering from heartbreak, anxiety, and grief
Whether you're navigating shock, bargaining for another chance, or slowly arriving at acceptance, this blog is for the part of you whispering: I want to feel whole again.
And if you're looking for deeper support — whether in-person therapy in London or online — you'll also find resources to begin that journey with me.
This is more than just learning about the five phases after a breakup. It’s an initiation. And you deserve tools, tenderness, and trauma-informed care to walk through it with dignity.
Firstly, I want to warmly welcome you to this space, especially if you are navigating a breakup in London. Your mind is probably finding it challenging to settle following a breakup, so this blog is written for you to gently check in where you are at, before you explore something like Emotional Recalibration Therapy to soothe your soul.
When our partner tells us that he or she wants to quit the relationship, it is likely that you will feel these five emotions after a breakup. They comprise five main categories of shock, disbelief and a strong desire to bargain, anger, sadness and extreme exhaustion and finally acceptance. Generally, these pan out in a fairly linear way, but often two feelings will overlap, and sometimes even flip flop back and forth between two or three, no two people are the same and there is no right or wrong way to feel.
In time, when you feel ready, please explore your recovery potential with techniques like how to recover from heartbreak with gentle methodology like inner child therapy in London or even online. For now, the most important thing is to take things one day at a time. One hour at a time, if you need to. Further down, I've provided a link for my gift; "Self Intervention Care Plan for Triggers," please do check it out because there's sure to be something helpful for the way you're feeling right now.
The Five Phases You Experience After a Breakup Shock
Hard as it is to accept, it really doesn’t matter if you saw it coming or not. When it’s over, there is a moment, however brief, of total utter shock that this person with whom you have been emotionally connected has let you go, or gave you no choice but to let them go. The same feelings apply with a short but meaningful relationship, but can intensify if you’ve been living two separate lives for many years, and some sort of catalyst has jolted one or other of you to call time on the arrangement.
At this stage, you are likely to feel -
A totally distorted and unbalanced nervous system.
Disruption to sleeping patterns
Disruption to digestive system
Nausea
Lack of balance
Loss or increase of appetite.
Irritability and inability to concentrateIncreased sensitivity to light and sound
Difficulty clearing the mind of anything other than the breakup
Scrambled thoughts
Disbelief, denial, stress, overwhelm,
What to do now?
The important thing here is to be kind to yourself. This is the optimal time to use a self care plan for handling triggers. Some of the things you can do now would be to is take ten minutes by setting a timer and allowing yourself a breather. Literally. Take ten minutes to simply focus on your breath. In and out, gently counting as you go, if it feels helpful. Repeat this frequently, out loud, whispered on your lips, or silently in your head;
This is a feeling, the feeling will pass. I am safe to be me.
Set a timer to hydrate every hour.
When you are in shock from a breakup, it’s really easy to forget the basics.
Set an alarm to wake up one hour earlier than usual and go for a walk. I know this sounds nuts, but forcing yourself up earlier than usual will encourage you to go to bed and sleep. The first hours in the morning are golden. Even if you go home or straight to work and do nothing for the rest of the day, you will have had that hour as a starting point and you will experience a feeling of being in control.
It may be wise to take some notes, especially if there are domestic or financial arrangements to be made. Your mind will be scrambled and writing things down will be super helpful.
If you are a trauma survivor you may be extra forgetful and scattered at this point. Take good care of yourself by making sure someone close has a spare set of keys and be extra careful for a little while because for some reason you’ll be way more accident prone.
You will either be tempted to tell everybody or nobody, depending on how you’re wired. Either way, I highly recommend journaling at this point. You will tell your story to the page in a way you might not to any other living soul (other than people like me). Write your heart out. Let your soul search your heart for the things you are too scared or ashamed to speak.
I have created a Self Intervention Care Plan for Triggers, which is packed full of quick and easy tools for calming the nervous system. Message me and I will send it to you.
Disbelief - Then Finally Seeing Things As They Really Are
You desperately want to see the best in this person. You wanted to believe they couldn’t possibly hurt you that badly. You had a nagging feeling in the back of your mind but you didn’t want it to be true. You believed that if they could only do or not do xyz, all would be well. You saw things in then they couldn’t see for themselves. You saw your future with them. This isn’t for now, but if you’re brutally honest with yourself, you may have had an inkling all along, and now you look back, events and words spoken taken on different meanings. As Eddie Vedder sang, he “Saw things clearer in my rearview mirror...”
At this stage, you are likely to feel -
Betrayed. Foolish. Angry. Detail focussed. Slightly desperate and clutching at straws and finding meaning in everything. You are likely to experience huge waves of anxiety. You may be genuinely overwhelmed about your domestic situation and waking up in the night with panic. Once the dust settles, you may wish to seek advice, but these are still early days.
On the other hand, you disbelief may show up as an inability to let go following a breakup. If you know deep down this person doesn’t fulfil you, and their actions continue to make you unhappy, you are highly likely in a trauma bonded relationship and you may find yourself struggling to let go. It may not make sense now, but inner child healing will help you discover your attachment style, and why you behave the way you do, or tolerate situations which are unsupportive to your wellbeing.
You Might Bargain
You many find yourself desperate to hang on, by accepting very much less than you deserve. If you find yourself going over things and asking the following kinds of questions, you may be in need of some boundary exploration to understand why we repeat patterns.
What if I could let go of past hurt? What if I change? What if I asked for even less? What if I stop whatever behaviour they don't agree with? What if I loose weight/gain weight? What if I dress up more/make more of an effort with my appearance? What if I shop less? What if I stop drinking/smoking? What if I am more present? What if we have more sex/less sex/side sex/different sex? Quit job/change job?
Attempting to delay the inevitable is part of the sadness of breakups, as the realisation sets in that things are really and truly over, these attempts to salvage what’s broken can lead to feelings of deep shame and self loathing.
What To Do Now?
You‘ve bent yourself out of shape trying to satisfy someone else’s version of you. As soon as you come back to yourself, the answer you’ve been looking for will stare you in the face. Emotional Recalibration teaches you to fill your own space with every right to be seen and loved for exactly who you are. It may be helpful to read "Healing The Father Wound."
Anger
At some point, the shock and disbelief wears off and anger sets in. Feelings of betrayal oscillate between humiliation and rage. This is healthy, so for goodness sake, do not suppress this feeling. On reflection, I don’t think I’ve ever been angry enough.
On reaching her seventies and reflecting back on her life, Helen Mirren cheerfully pointed out that she wishes she’d told more people to F8ck Off. Trite as that may seem, there is great depth in the sentiment too.
Healthy anger comes and goes in waves but it’s important not to allow emotion to cloud your judgement or equanimity. Do not bottle it up - face the anger. Anger is when you finally stand up to feelings of injustice and become your own inner warrior and personal protector. Be angry and let it out responsibly.
Anger remaining in the system can become highly toxic and there is medical evidence to suggest it can exacerbate disease, the last thing you need to contend with at this challenging time.
At this stage, you are likely to feel -
Rage, fury, wanting to tell the world how awful he/she is or how hurt you feel, extreme frustration, exhibiting toxic and unhealthy behaviour, hot temper, even violent inclinations. Unable to achieve life-balance.
What To Do Now?
Have a good shout or scream into a pillow if you must - find a punch bag and let loose - go for a run - hit the gym - remember it’s a phase. Try angry diva singing, play your loudest tunes and wail along with them, really let yourself go. If you’re super angry and you shout at everybody, you have let the emotion override your ability to regulate. Consider your children, elderly parents, pets and even your plants will be upset by your frustration and anger, so let it out, then focus on developing new techniques to choose a more supportive state through emotional recalibration.
Extreme Exhaustion
Once you have gone through the initial stages of shock and despair, tried ways to resolve things, fought the good fight, screamed in anger, then tried your best to work out how it all happened in the first place, you are likely to be emotionally exhausted.
At this stage, you are likely to feel -
This is the point of almost unbearable sadness. Your heart is broken, you feel like you will never recover. You question if you could ever love again, or be loved again. You go over and over all aspects of the relationship; how you met, how it developed, where did it go wrong, how did it go so wrong? Things each of you said; attaching meaning to the words.
Heaviness pervades your every waking thought as you become consumed by your Fear of the Future. This is extreme anxiety. You are feeling hopeless, intense pain and worry. You may find you are consuming more alcohol, fatty foods and sugar than usual which will make you slump into a downward spiral of despair. If you take recreational drugs, you may find you are now taking more. You may experience anhedonia; the inability to find pleasure in anything, or you may feel completely numb to the world. Unchecked, all this can lead to depression.
What To Do Now?
Now is the time to be very gentle with yourself. Try to reduce highly stimulating environments. Choose gentle music, nothing jarring. Run that bubble bath. Try to suppress your desire to eat Doritos and chug chianti while watching breakup movies. The more fresh whole food you eat the faster you will heal. Get outside, get some fresh air. Make sure you get some sleep, this is vital. Consult a sleep therapist or look for a sleep app. It is very tempting to pop along to your GP and throw around big words like Insomnia or Clinical Depression. This means you have not been able to sleep or feel good for at least three months. Make sure you really have tried all the alternative therapies and attempted work on your mindset, life balance and well being before you take this route as once you have started, it can be extremely difficult to get off medication.
IF YOU ARE SO WIRED AND TIRED YOU CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT -
PLEASE DO THESE THREE THINGS EVERYDAY.
1. SET A 60 MINUTE TIMER TO REMIND YOU TO HYDRATE AND GENTLY MOVE.
2. EAT AT LEAST ONE WHOLE MEAL OF FRUIT, VEGETABLES, PULSES, GRAINS, NUTS, SEEDS ETC - NOTHING FROM A PACKET
3. GET UP EARLY - NO MATTER WHAT - AND GO FOR A WALK. IF YOU’RE NOT USED TO IT, START SMALL AND BUILD UP.
I highly recommend using my Self Intervention Care Plan For Triggers. Please get in touch if you'd like a copy.
Acceptance
Here you are finally past the point of no return. You have come to accept you are at the final stage, the relationship is definitely over, and although it’s really hard, hopefully you can reach a place of objectivity. You can start to make plans for the future.
At this stage, you are likely to feel -
Emotionally drained, almost battered and weather beaten but ready for change. Your mind will be consumed with plans for the future as you think about your new living arrangements. You may even be thinking about future romantic relationships, although it is prudent to take things slowly at this stage because you need time to heal. Also think about this new person; nobody wants to be the rebound man or woman.
What To Do Now?
Now it’s time to roll your sleeves up and get stuck in. Start making plans for the future and spending time thinking about things you’d like to do. Not just the domestic sort, but all sorts of plans that excite you. Perhaps you could explore the idea of joining the local gym, or look into joining a choir. There may be an art class, or a rambling/cycling/running group or maybe you might like a more solitary pursuit, like finally writing that novel you had always thought about. Alternative therapies are excellent for recalibrating your sense of self. Consider heart centred practices emotional recalibration therapy, inner child healing and grief processing, meditation, clinical hypnotherapy, EMDR for breakup trauma, somatic awareness to aid nervous system regulation after heartbreak and yoga to get you back into your heart, mind and body.
Remember, these are very early days. There may have been things said in anger, in the heat of the moment. Try not to pick apart the bones, but to look at your relationship as a whole. You believed it fulfilled you at some point, and then it did not. If you still don’t want it to be over and you are attempting to bargain, ask yourself if it’s really worth what you are offering to keep someone that no longer actually wants to be there. If you are going through a breakup and you are on the receiving end of someone finding it difficult to detach, please remember to always be kind.
All these feelings will come and go, and that is perfectly okay. You may not experience all these different emotions, or indeed any of them, and that’s okay too. You may experience one feeling way more than another, or keep ending up back in the same place. You may even have fleeting heart-breaking sensation when you wonder what’s the point. Navigating our hearts through breakup can feel a bit like playing the most bitter game of snakes and ladders.
If something stirred while reading this…If part of you whispered yes or that’s me —
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You are not too much. You are not broken. You are becoming.
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